Its a new beginning

Bismillah..

Hi there!...hmm...before I start, I would love to warn you guys that this entry might be a bittttttttttttt longer than the usual..(huhu...well..its the last entry for 2012!...^^,)

~2012~

What can I conclude about the year two-zero-one-two?..emm..To begin with...(eceh!..looks like a story telling kind of thing isn't it?..haha!...let me be 'perasan' a bit..^_^v)..The year 2012 has come to its end..just a few hours left..There are indeed so many significant events occurring throughout the year...some has meet its end, others are still on going..

~2012~

The year where I have stumbled many times...yes...I have lost count of how many times I was on my knees..begging for the air to breathe. I was at the lowest point of my life..nothing seems to be right..I failed to see, to hear, to sense...life is indeed twisted!

I have felt the destructive heart break, mental collapse and I nearly paralyzed myself - refuse to admit the mistake and having the guts to move on. I was lost...nobody seems to be in handy..my world revolves only around mistakes...(yeah...one after another...)

I was so afraid of losing something that is not even promised for me. I was blind to see the truth, I failed to use my conscience to evaluate the things around me. I was so afraid..I am in the state of mental denial - where people refuse to admit the reality..

I hold on to the wrong things..I make my stand on a weak base..I fall again and again and again..There were signs everywhere and in every moment but I blindfolded myself..refuse to see..refuse to listen..I am nothing more than a deaf..

2012 is the year that witness the downside of me..my life, my academic, my everything..I am human at the outside but a hallow on the inside..nobody to turn to..I lost again..

But Allah is the Most Merciful..

HE wakes me up by a huge momentum...that leaves an impact..that forces me to look at things on the other side..to force me to nail myself to where I belong..to make me eat the bitter medicine...I am too sick..I need more than just a simple advice and Allah knows that.

Slowly and with a shaky legs, I tried to stand up again..It was hard..as hard as you can imagine..its like you are eating the swords..its painful to finally realize how wrong you are and how twisted your life is..but I know I can't give up now..I found a new meaning in my life..I built myself from inside..I cried a lot..a year that filled with tears..(this I have to admit...T..T)..

Alhamdulillah...in every bitterness, there's a sweetness..

I learn about my creator and the purpose of my life..from there, I found my strength..I feel blessed..There are sacrifices that I have to make in order to straighten my life back..there are costs that need to be paid..I ask myself to 'redha' as this is the price that I need to pay..

I told myself  "InsyaAllah, the joy will come after.."

I make my baby step to gain the strength but this time I'll make sure I stand on a concrete base..that is Iman..Along the way up, I reflect on so many things..I come to my sense..I have to be thankful for everything that had happened in my life, the events, the moments, the people...I shall be thankful..

SubhanaAllah, my eyes are slowly open...to see the beauty in every incident. I can't express my genuine gratitude for the family,cousins,friend and others who have helped me to get through this..I am still learning..learn to be a better person, a better muslimah..not just at words, but at heart..InsyaAllah..

It is so magnificent that we can see things from a different angle and this can only be done when we are alone and looking at ourselves from the outside..I learnt that - we need to find 'our' time to audit ourselves..(this is what we call 'muhasabah diri'..the act of reflecting ourselves..)

Its a new beginning...

When the year nearly conclude itself, another test is up..its a battle between two humble hearts..but now I know "if it is meant to be, it happens"..So I pray for the battle to result in good terms for both hearts. I am ashamed to ask Allah more than I should because HE has given me so many gifts..so, let me be patient this time..Allah is testing the hearts..and I chose to try my best to be a good servant..(though I sometimes repeat the mistakes..but we are all the learners to Allah..HE knows better..)..We have lots to learn, to accomplish, to achieve..lets be patient..^_^

~2013~

I welcome 2013 with a warm heart and leaving 2012 with no regret..I experienced a lot and learnt as much..For the bitterness and sweetness, I shall be thankful..Alhamdulillah for the chance to live and meet another year..InsyaAllah to be a better muslimah is my pledge..and may Allah ease my way..

And with that, I conclude my 2012 story..#ChillaxAllahKanAda

p/s: Tears are running down as I wrote this..The mixture of sadness and happiness..Allahuakbar..