Before i continue with the stories of my journey to Mecca and Madina...i would take a diverge because i felt troubled in mind...so...finally after a week, i decided to mumbling here...the only place where i can literally let down my guard and be honest..
The famous psychology tagline "JUST BE YOURSELF"..now...the question is...I almost forgot how to be myself...again?..what i know, i don't like myself then and i still have not yet comfortable with myself now...so..what be YOURSELF should be???
For a week...this question has troubled me..i cannot focus on almost everything...day and night..things feel the same..and quiet blurry..then i realized..i am lost!..what MYSELF is?..~~if there is such question~~...this requires a deep thinking...and all you know, such question only invite war between the heart and the brain..both refuse to comprehend the syntax and fail to digest the question..
I know this might sound weird..after all the journey i have been through...almost a year after the accident..after all the significant events that occurred throughout the year...here i am..questioning myself, how to be myself?..then i started questioning EVERYTHING that my mind pass through...why i open this blog?why i write?why??and the WHY continues endlessly...and till now..even when i am sitting on my chair, writing this entry, i am still looking for the answers... *sigh*
What is this?I mean..i do not know myself?what i am capable of?you must be kidding me...but yeah...i am a bit lost here...does anyone notice that?i bet none...cause i am living remotely from 'human'...to be precise, remotely in the manner of sharing thoughts and feelings..yup..don't want to be a burden is the reason..yet i end up messing with own mind..thanks...
DON'T GIVE IN TO PRESSURE...a nice motto...again..a famous psychology tagline...i tried...but i failed...i can't comprehend people anymore..i do good things, they misunderstood..i do bad things, they put blame..they labeled..i keep silent, they said i am ignorant to surrounding, i voice out, they said i talked rubbish..now..what is right and what is wrong to do?again...am i being MYSELF or i just want to please people?if being MYSELF means lots of hearts are going to be hurt and tears fell down...i rather not be MYSELF.but if not being myself means i do what people want out of me..trying to achieve every single expectation they lie upon me, listen to every details of critics they throw at me...ouch!..that is going to be bitterweet..
So the question....HOW TO BE MYSELF?...i don't have the answer yet...
Believe it or not, here I am...questioning me, one after another..with endless questions to be answered..self-talked is not really 'fun' in this period of time..@_@
May Allah guide me through this..i really don't want to mess up anymore...
M.
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